The invisible post

Can you speak English?

Scene 1

In the middle of the interview. More questions. So far, it’s going good, and I am relaxed.

Me: So that is what I think, and I believe I am definitely going to work hard.                         Interviewer: Okay. Few questions. Can you speak English?
Me (inside): What? Did you just ask me whether I speak English or not? No! I have never heard of it in my life. You see the language I have been speaking with you is called bb999whatthehelldidIjusthear. Nice name right? I am the founder and in fact, choosing a name was even harder than creating my own language. I can also speak French if that’s required, Parlez-vous Français? I can speak bb999whatthehelldidIjusthear and French but no English. And it’s very surprising to know that you understand bb999whatdidIjusthear too. Forget about English, let’s converse in it. Okay?
Me (reality): *blank face feeling cough*…… Yes. I mean of course. I am speaking English, right? *smile*
                                                                                                                                                               

Scene 2

Entering our apartment. Home sweet home, I can finally sleep now. Yes!

Family member: Oh. You have come?✳
Me (inside): No. I am going. Your face just reminded me that you ate my cookies. WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM DOING? Why would I open the door from outside???? TO C-O-M-E IN! Why you always ask stupid question? Your level of stupidity genuinely surprised me. Now get lost. I need to sleep.
Me (reality): *just ignore and walk to my room or bathroom if I am not feeling lazy*

✳ It makes more sense and god-please-this-person-alittlemoreofbrain when said in Nepali language. Normally, when someone comes in while looking at them, we would say, “there you are” or “you have come.” But this one is more like a question, You have come?

                                                                                                                                                                

Scene 3

Gathering. Family and relative. Cooking time. Tired and sick but still cutting vegetables, grinding garlic and ginger.

Relative: Are you okay? You must be tired. Should I help you?
Me: *look up and smile*
Relative: *walk away as if she is busy and someone just called her name*
—-10 minutes later—
Same Relative: Poor you, you have been doing this alone. Do you need help?
Dad to the relative: She’s fine. Let’s her do it.
Me (inside): What kind of dad he is?? And you girl, if you want to help. Shut your mouth and start cutting this carrot. If not, then shut your mouth and enjoy your day.
Me (reality): *continue working*
—another 5 minutes—
Same Relative: You still have not cut cucumber and place them. I will help you, okay?
Me (inside): Say that one more time, I will chop your head with that chopping knife.
Me (reality): It’s okay. I am nearly done so…

                                                                                                                                                                

As much as it irritated me, I feel sorry for them. It might be just a regular thing to them or just a way of their habit. To which, I wonder if they know that I cannot stand such action. Purely stupid.

Breakdown: only me, only one.

Getting into anxiety disorder is very scary experience. Everything appears gloomy and sad. Life becomes painfully dull. Dispirited, I would not trust anyone and thought me as the only one. Only one who cannot get out of this mess, only one who will never get out of it. Only one who will die like this.

I cannot remember when it first started or when I began to recognize it. Or how many times I looked at the mirror making a long heedful observation of what I saw. Two patches of dark circles, blackish plugs on the centre mountain, two fleshy neighbors below- the lower one badly chapped, while the surface on right to left and top to bottom crammed with spots, spots and more spots. To my horror, it was me in the mirror looking ten times older. Not to forget the oily, itchy, flying here and there bad hair. Only one who look very ugly up-close or not.

Two years ago, sometime during Autumn when I could not believe what just happened. I exerted pressure using my palm on the neck and wide opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I felt the words, I knew what I wanted to say still it remained the same for almost a week. I was mute. Only one who is unable to speak when she is (very) depressed.

Phone ring and I have felt irritated, guest in home and I have locked my (room) door. Someone turned the light on while I am watching movie, I have shouted at them and demanded to be alone immediately. After that a tearjerking scene, and I have cried and blown my nose. Happy ending, I have smiled broadly and feel touched. Finally, on my bed, I have turned left, right-side, rise up, lay down, left-side, face downward, right-side… Insomnia. Only one who goes through the roller coaster of emotions.

There are times when I could not tell the date, I would forget whether it was Tuesday or Friday I promised to help my aunt, that one word which I did not use because I could not remember. During depressed-hopeless-lifeless time, I tend to be more forgetful and unclear. Like last time, there was a joke everyone understood and straightaway, laughter aroused in the room. For some reason, I was not laughing and asked to be explained. Only one who is not in the right state of her mind.

Only one who is blogging (about her breakdown), part of her do-it-to-get-out-of-it.

Bucket List 2012

One month after the start of the 2012, I have finally created my own “Bucket List”. The urge to make a list came so randomly like seeing interesting forms and shapes as a result of my doodling and feeling surprised, doubting myself. I have picked few of them from my real bucket list because the original list has stayed the same all these years. Some need to be done and go. It is high time now for these to go so I can mark a small happy tick or strikethrough.

1. Join Script Frenzy challenge and Win

2. Participate and win Reader’s Digest Asia: Unseen Asia Photo Contest

3. Win any giveaway

4. Read 15 books

5. Reach runescape level 65

6. Drop weight to 56 kg

7. Earn money on Ebay

8. Save money, goal: $3249

9. Learn to sew

10. Start to paint again

11. Go hiking

12. Catch a Fish

13. Grow hair longer; long enough to braid hair

14. Get BIGBANG upcoming album

15. Give birthday present to parents

For no apparent reason

This will end soon. Just take a breath and live your life―I said to myself when walking the usual Wednesday path.

Then I began to wonder about positiveness. I kind of found it and knew I was going to be okay. Everything will be alright, really. I am not saying it because I am in a happy mood now. The problem lodged in my mind is still the same. These people and their silence and then unpleasant noise is filling me with intense dislike and even more confusion. But as soon as my eyes were toward the night sky, my heart stopped. It was dark blue, different from any ordinary night, truly striking. One brief stared and I saw two stars. Separated by a distance, shining like a diamond and very corresponding. Are you okay? Alone? I hope you two can be together someday―just a little conversation with newfound friends.

2 hours before:

Walking. Thinking to myself.  I know these tiring days will be over. Another may come and that too will be overcome. I know the elegant room I was in the morning and my small room with space narrower than my two arms stretched. One of these days, I will be living in my dream house. The size will be ideal and there will be a garden too. I also know these people around, they all are similar. Some are carefree now, some are having complication. Like me, they want to run away and recharge mind. Maybe one of them have also looked up and sigh as I did just now. I know I am not the only one. I also know that perfect long hair, in few years my hair will be the same length. The girl with running shoe and music in her ear, she must be working out. I know I can start to put on earphones again after my ear operation. I will talk to doctor. After then I will go jogging daily listening to music. I know I will lose weight and reach my healthy range. One day I know I will get a bicycle like this one; I wonder who does it belong to. I will also get a motorcycle if at that time I still want it. When I have my own house, I will have more choices. Color, kitchen, bed, table, mattress. Almost everything. I know it. I know some people are disappointing, which will not remain for long. Even if they never see what’s bothering me, I am not going to stay sad all the time. Everyone has a share of a bad day. I know this my bad day will be over soon. I will have to be patience. And I know I will blog about this today.

Out of nowhere, I was thinking to myself and envisaging it. I found peace. I was content and smile about tomorrow, new day. For no apparent reason, I felt tranquility.

Emptiness. Gratify. For no apparent reason. 

The name part 2: Fearlessly

As I sit here to type, my mind is going back to it. Some song. Some letter. Conversations.  My mouth move in two syllables, fear-less.  One more time. I open my lips and two syllables again but this time with different pronunciation. The first one as seems to me take a little pressure than the other one. This not saying I am going with either one forever because it’s a habit already. To use both different ways, sometime even in the same sentence.

No matter how I say it, the meaning of this word to me is still very much the same. And it is not written in  the dictionary I see now. Lacking fear, Having no fear. This is the correct definition which everyone will agree for sure, no argument here. Even so, whenever I see this word, I find myself thinking something else. Not a very something else though. Maybe  a little or hardly any little.  Or.

When people come to me for talk and advice, I usually say (write) to them “Be fearless”. Beyond this two words and without any further explanation, I say no more about it. Part of the reason being that I want the significance of their (own) “Fearless” to be clear to them. Also, if they can understand my message. Having a fear is not wrong. It is not a weakness either. The real weakness is when you refuse to accept your fear. All that time I knew something was not normal, and I needed to act for the sake of tomorrow yet I dismissed it. I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid for that something even worse out of my imagination may result in if I face my fear. And that did not end there; it occurred to my mind again and again. You really cannot trick yourself, denying is worthless and even worthless is running, trying to run away, because at the end your fear will catch you definitely and for worst. My interpretation of fearless is therefore knowing you have a fear, you challenge it thus making it your strength. Embrace your fear.

If I have to describe my life or the way I prefer. (thinking long) …. (still thinking) Whatever I do I want to choose with my heart and work hard with all my heart. Fearlessly go through everything and fight it (if I have to). In short… Live with my heart and fearlessly accept life. With heart, Fearlessly. 

The name part 1: With Heart

This is my first post so I guess I should write about my blog name, withheartfearlessly. As you see on the heading, the title name is actually “with heart, fearlessly” but comma is not allowed so I had to leave it behind. This name, I came up after many thoughts and help, someone even suggested “Hot Chocolate” which I felt was a big NO not the right one. There was “Blue High Sky”, “Under the shade Tree” this one from me, and couple mores I cannot remember now. Why so much thinking just on the name? The first thing about any blogs that catch my attention is the name. Besides the appearance and details, I believe that the blog name itself denotes the essence and impression.

With Heart. They said to me: Do what you love. Every advice I have received somehow can be related to heart. Listen to your heart and decide what you want. Listen to their heart and see if you can do anything or let it be. Put your heart into it, you won’t fail again. I think it is important to understand ourselves before we plan anything or try to solve a problem. Even helping others require (self) understanding. Can you really be the helper or mess up even more? How can you use your experience? There were times I forced myself to like the decision I made. It was out of fear and confusion. I was performing badly yet I could not change the route because there was a single hope: Time. I waited myself to get used to it thinking that with time I can adjust. At the end, I was unhappy, unsatisfied and hint of repentance made me reflect on how some thing cannot grow with time. There also need to be your approval and enthusiasm, your heart.

Choose with your heart. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart. With Heart.